I only know that I fought until the end... (2023)

restless soulMental health

February 8, 2021February 9, 20215 minutes

I would prefer not to want to kill myself every second. literally every other thought is "I just want to die". it started out funny like "haha i'm stressed i want to die but i don't really". but it became something I feel deeply lately. i hate my brain i hate my heart I hate everything about me lately.

My heart gives and gives and tells me to literally be there for everyone else no matter what I'm going through personally and how much shit I have to change to accommodate them. Is your pet sick at 3am? I'm there. Can't be close to your child right now because you're so stressed and you just want the crying to stop? Let me take care of your son and here take my card and go get some food and rest. Do you have to air out at 3am? My cell phone is literally always on. Do you feel down and want someone to just sit down and listen to you? I'm here and I'll probably help you clean your house while we talk. That's just me, I always have been and I probably always will be.

Then there's my brain. It's a shitty place right now. I get the "but you look good!" yes...thank you all. It's called a facade, but to be honest I'm scared of myself and what I'm capable of. I work with SEM. i saw shit I had to react and be one of the first on the scene of successful suicides. Where family, friends, children or neighbors can find the person or where we need to notify next of kin. I heard the screams. Ask him to come back. Selling souls to the devil just to have a second with the person. I had to arrive at the same places to pick up the family member now because they are in this dark place now. I speak to and transport failed trial patients who are upset that they're still alive and that we saved them, and all I want to say is, "I know...trust me, I know that." this sucks and you're angry.” I want to tell them that I've been in the exact same place I am now and I know it feels hopeless and like you can't even really kill yourself but just keep going. There are people out there who love you and you will get through it, even if now it feels like you never will. Who am I to tell these people this and encourage them when I go home every day fighting the urge to cut myself or just pop a handful of pills and call it a day.

I think one stigma people automatically think of people who have attempted or committed suicide is that they haven't "tried" enough to get help and nothing in your life is really "too bad" to to kill yourself. That is the question. At least for me. There wasn't just one thing that made me explode. it was an accumulation of things that just hit me mentally all at once. I just wanted everything to stop. I never wanted to die. Honestly, I just wish everything would stop and I could feel something every day other than the overwhelming fear that I'm still breathing and having to face life. I've been judged by people because of my scars. I've had people literally say, "Well, stop cutting yourself then!" if only it were that easy!!!! but you don't understand! right now that's the only thing that makes me feel for a second. Yes, it hurts and I deeply hate myself in hindsight, but right now it's the only thing I can do to feel alive again.

For a long time I just wanted someone or something that would make me feel at home again. I thought I found it, but it crushed me when it was over. I had a man I could absolutely imagine spending my life with. i am a twin I'm open and direct. I'm loud and very badass. I have no problem telling people exactly how I feel, which is both a blessing and a curse. I was honest with this guy and told him I had feelings. We chatted as friends for almost a year before all of this happened. Something about this guy always made me smile. He made my heart happy. I persevered, letting my fears and worries get in the way. I got really clingy and "too...you're too much" and we didn't speak for a while. It... shit... kills... me. If I could go back and change anything in my life, it would be my relationship with him. God how I would do anything to go back and make this work. This was a guy I could see a future with. A guy who was the opposite of me. A guy I could talk to and not feel judged. A guy I could text to quickly and he would try to reply to everyone and not get annoyed (well... to the end) by my stupid random messages. This guy was my "home" and I messed it up...

….I'm just tired. This is my answer to everything. "I'm just tired" My tiredness isn't just "sleep tired," as I used to say as a kid. My tiredness is pure anger and agony to wake up again. I woke up another day. For another day of pretending. For another day fighting my fucking brain. Another day literally struggling to stay alive. Fake a smile one day and just go through the motions. A day to hold back the tears. One of those stupid, pushy, "What if I just stepped in?" days. Thoughts.

I want someone to save me, but not at the same time. I don't want anyone to know how bad I am right now. I don't want to answer why I absolutely don't want to be alive right now because I don't have a solid answer. I want someone to call me shit. Literally grabbing my very scared wrists and just holding them. I want the guy that made me feel at home, I just want him to hold me again. i want to feel better I want to look good and not have these insane intrusive thoughts all the time. I know I'll be fine and eventually I'll get over it and go back to my old self but god this is the darkest thing I've experienced in a while but I try to keep telling myself what I always tell my patients that somehow it will all be worth it...

….To the right?

Sinn des blog-songs: Jeremy Zucker - keep my head afloat (abbespeckt).

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• #Mental health
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PublishedFebruary 8, 2021February 9, 2021